Ugh

I’m going to be blunt here. This is going to be an emo post so if you’re not in the mood for this, just stop reading.

I’m also not in the mood for advice. I KNOW what’s my problem and I KNOW how to handle it. I just want to vent out..

So today I went out with my friends to do some project stuff. Was in Summit, my 1st time there in a super duper long time, and I had my eye set on these shoes that were on 70% discount. It’s a simple shoe, and after discount was for RM18. So I thought hey, worth it, so I bought it.

Taking the bus to someplace else, I sat right at the back. I left my shoes on the floor. And I guess you’d know what happened next…

I forgot to take them down with me.

First of all, I’m pissed cuz I actually don’t have much cash on me, and was not supposed to spend money but I did. So yeah, I spent cash and got nothing in return.

Secondly, I had someone who rubbed into my face about this and certain stuff. It was annoying and it secretly hurt me more than ever.

Thirdly, I’m fucking pissed at myself for being so stupid. Not only stupid with this, but the whole week.

And so, I’m mainly pissed at myself.

See, on Monday many people didn’t bring the materials needed for a class (myself included). We got a mini lecture from my lecturer which of course, were wise words. I blame myself, cuz I know and understand what he said, and yet I was too lazy to have made sure I got the materials.

Thursday, I didn’t get to finish my home assignment, and was one of the few responsible for making the lecturer lectured the class. It really stung my pride and all. I know her words were blunt for a reason, but it frigging hurts. I was having an internal argument the entire of the class period, so bad till I did my work half heartedly..

Voice 1 : You know, I didn’t get to finish it last night cuz I was sick!

Voice 2 : But if you’d waken earlier, you could’ve finish it. But nooo, you just HAD to ignore your alarm. So much for discipline.

Voice 1 : But I still wasn’t feeling well! I can’t be blame.

Voice 2 : Bullshit. You took the pills this morning when you still felt ill and now look, you’re fine.

Voice 3 : Can’t blame her! You know what’d happen if she’d not rested last night! She should tell the lecturer she was sick!

Voice 2 : And what, get another lecture? For being irresponsible and immature? She could’ve instead finished it another day! She’d prob get a ‘serve you right’for doing it last minute.

Voice 1 : But I was sick..

Voice 3 : Like, shut the effing hell up. You’re simply making excuses for your weakness. Just put on your fucking thick face like you know you should and SHUT UP!

But I eventually brushed it away. And that night, I made the stupid childish mistake again. I knew if I were to sleep, I will end up sleeping an extra hour. But I thought if I set my alarm earlier, I’d wake up in time. So I slept… And woke up 3 hours late.

I was so furious with myself. Here I go again, rushing my assignments. I made the same mistake again. Its like, when will I ever learn?!?!?! I know myself, and yet I repeat the same mistake. And today this happens. Is this God’s way of teaching me a lesson? That I should really stop making bad decisions?

I’m simply pissed at myself. Just super pissed. And downright disappointed.

I know I need to move on, but I just want to cry.

Like, wtf is wrong with me??

So what if you’re tired and sick, everyone is feeling the same!

Just shut the fuck up Maddie and move on.